Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
As I read the story of a mother with four highly successful children who were unable to visit her for two years, I couldn’t help but reflect on the larger issue that many African parents, knowingly or unknowingly, make their children their retirement plan. This belief – that raising successful children, especially those who end up living abroad, will automatically lead to a comfortable, well-supported old age – is an idea that may have worked in the past but is now proving unsustainable and unrealistic.
In many African cultures, it is common to expect children to care for their parents in old age. The concept stems from deep-rooted traditions of communal living, where the family unit is everything, and parents raise children with the expectation of “reaping the fruits” when they are old. However, the world has changed drastically. The pressures of modern life, work demands, and the quest for personal stability, particularly for children who move abroad, have left little room for the kind of devotion that some parents still expect.
When I consider stories like the one above, a critical question arises: should we continue to make children the core of our retirement plans, or should we, as parents, start planning for our futures independently? Relying entirely on children to provide for us in old age is problematic because it places an emotional and financial burden on them and overlooks the realities of today’s world. Many young adults are grappling with the pressures of their careers, building their own families, and making a name for themselves. Expecting them to drop everything and attend to their parents, regardless of time and circumstance, can be unreasonable and even harmful.
For instance, the story of the woman with her four children abroad is far from unique. I know several parents who take pride in their children’s successes overseas, viewing their children’s emigration as a form of “wealth.” Yet, they often overlook the isolation that this lifestyle brings. Living far away means these children are often unable to provide the day-to-day care their parents need, and though they may provide financial support, it’s not the same as being present. Financial assistance cannot replace companionship, and when parents rely solely on this, they might end up feeling lonely, as the story illustrates.
The issue of loneliness in old age is especially poignant for African parents living in urban areas. Unlike villages where a sense of community might still exist, city life tends to isolate people. Most older adults in cities spend their days indoors with little interaction outside their immediate family. For men, the situation can be even more isolating. While women might have their daughters or family events like the traditional “omugo” (post-birth care) to look forward to, men are often left alone, as the story points out. This scenario reveals a critical gap in the way we view aging and the assumptions many of us have about family structures.
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But even if children do want to help, the truth is they’re likely overwhelmed by their responsibilities, particularly those who live abroad. The cost of living, demanding work schedules, and the stress of adapting to a new culture leave them with little capacity to cater to their parents’ emotional and physical needs. This doesn’t mean they don’t care. But expecting children to carry this double burden without considering the realities they face is setting them up for failure, which only fuels disappointment and resentment on both sides.
I believe African parents must consider planning for their old age independently rather than relying on their children. One way to do this is by developing a retirement plan early on, saving diligently, and even investing in community relationships that can provide social fulfillment in old age. In countries where parents rely on pensions or personal savings for old age, they experience less dependency on their children, which often leads to more harmonious family relationships. African parents could take a leaf out of this book, preparing themselves financially and emotionally for aging rather than assuming their children will fill that role.
Furthermore, parents should focus on nurturing meaningful relationships with their children, not out of obligation but out of mutual respect and love. Too often, the pressure to “repay” parents for raising them can create strained relationships, making the child’s presence in their lives feel more like a duty than a natural bond. If parents nurture relationships based on understanding, love, and acceptance, their children may be more likely to visit and stay involved willingly.
It’s high time that we move away from traditional assumptions and face the evolving realities of today’s world. Parents should be able to stand on their own financially, emotionally, and socially, and children should be allowed to live their lives without the added pressure of being their parents’ retirement plan. Let’s create a world where love, respect, and relationships transcend obligations and where the joy of connection replaces outdated expectations.
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