What not to do as a mentee: Lessons from my years as a mentor

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Over the years, mentoring has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Watching my mentees grow, achieve their goals, and transform into more confident individuals fills me with pride. However, being a mentor has also taught me some hard truths about the dynamics of this relationship, particularly the pitfalls some mentees fall into. If you’re a mentee or planning to find a mentor, let me share some insights on what not to do—and what you should prioritize instead.

Don’t treat your mentor as an ATM

Let me be blunt: mentoring is not about money. A mentor’s role is to guide, advise, and support you intellectually and emotionally, not financially. I’ve had instances where mentees directly or indirectly asked for money, and it always creates discomfort. It shifts the dynamic of the relationship and reduces the focus on growth.

I know the economic situation in Nigeria and in other parts of the world is hard. However, if you’re facing financial challenges, be upfront about your situation, but don’t expect your mentor to solve it. Instead, ask for advice on how to navigate those challenges—perhaps they can connect you to opportunities or guide you on where to seek help.

To be honest, you should consider sending cash gifts to your mentor as a token of appreciation for their guidance.

Although I believe mentorship should be free, I also strongly feel that mentors deserve some form of reward for their efforts. This belief inspired me to start building MentorField, a community where people can connect with mentors in the areas they need support. I hope that, in time, mentors in MentorField will receive financial rewards for their invaluable contributions.

Avoid being a passive mentee

Some mentees think that having a mentor automatically guarantees success. They wait for the mentor to do all the work: set goals, follow up, or even create opportunities. That’s not how it works.

Mentorship is a two-way relationship. As a mentee, you need to show initiative. After all, you sign up to be mentored. Come prepared for meetings, set clear goals, and update your mentor on your progress. When a mentee shows effort, it motivates me to invest more time and energy in their growth. Summarily, ghosting on your mentor; it shows you’re not yet serious with your life.

Don’t expect your mentor to know everything

Mentors are not omniscient. There have been times when mentees asked me questions outside my area of expertise, expecting detailed answers. While it’s flattering to be seen as knowledgeable, it’s also important to recognize that your mentor is human, with their own limitations.

When this happens, I always suggest mentees diversify their sources of guidance. You can have multiple mentors for different aspects of your life—career, personal growth, and technical skills.

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Respect your mentor’s time

One of the most challenging aspects of mentoring is time management. I’ve had mentees call or message at odd hours with non-urgent issues. While I deeply care about their success, mentors often juggle their own careers and personal lives.

Be mindful of your mentor’s schedule. Book appointments in advance and come prepared. Respecting their time shows you value the relationship.

Don’t be afraid to give feedback

A mentor-mentee relationship thrives on open communication. If something isn’t working, don’t hesitate to share it respectfully. Early in my mentoring journey, I assumed silence meant satisfaction, but I later learned that some mentees were struggling to apply my advice. The feedback allowed us to recalibrate and make the relationship more effective.

What you as a mentee should do instead

1. Ask Thoughtful Questions: Show genuine curiosity and ask questions that help you grow. Avoid asking for solutions; instead, ask for perspectives.
2. Be Honest About Your Goals: Share your aspirations and challenges openly. Mentors appreciate transparency—it helps us tailor our guidance to your needs.
3. Show Gratitude: A simple “thank you” goes a long way. Acknowledging your mentor’s efforts reinforces the value of the relationship.
4. Apply the Advice: There’s nothing more rewarding for a mentor than seeing a mentee take action. It shows you’re serious about your growth.
5. Build the Relationship: Don’t see mentorship as a transactional relationship. Show interest in your mentor’s experiences and learn from them beyond the surface.

Conclusion

Being a mentee is an incredible opportunity to learn and grow, but it comes with responsibilities. As a mentor, I’ve learned that the most fulfilling relationships are those built on mutual respect, effort, and genuine connection. If you avoid the common pitfalls and embrace the right attitudes, your mentorship experience can transform your life in ways you never imagined.